Through the Magical Monocle

The Little Prince Film Project

Tue, 14 May 2013 18:51:40 -0700

I have written a short film that I am currently producing and I need your help.

The story is about a little boy named Alex dealing with the divorce of his parents, through night-terrors. Losing himself beyond the point of no return.

Find out more by clicking on the IndieGoGo link!

I'm just NOT that into YOU!

Sun, 05 May 2013 16:06:00 -0700

DISCLAIMER: I am sharing this at the expense of being thought of as a total bitch. And that is fine. My job as an artist is to be a mirror that reflects humanity on itself. I expose my own shame, insecurities, fears, etc. to the world as i expose the things i see and experience around me. It just so happens i dated a psychotic self-righteous weirdo who did not understand the word “NO” and i plan to shamelessly expose/exploit our story below

IT BEGINS…

I’ve recently gotten over my cougar phase. Yes i admit it, against my better judgement and my friends razzing me for robbing the cradle, i dated a boy 7-8 years my junior.

Me = 30, traveling through the void of disillusionment, restructuring my life, a clear understanding of myself and not totally happy with that understanding, but accepting of it.

He = 22 (or 23), excited to have landed a “woman”, naive and full of vitality (and youthful arrogance), dressed like Justin Bieber but tried to “act” mature. Talked the way he probably thought a “man” should talk but didn’t own a wallet and couldn’t afford to pay for dinner.

Me = an old dog with old habits, appreciative of my close friends (most of which have been in my life since HE was 12 and pre-pubescent), appreciative of my personal time alone, my dancing, my yoga, hiking, my dogs, focused on my studies. Anyone coming into my life has to compliment it, and have their shit together.

He = an annoying crying baby, clingy and needy. Everything was so heavy. Imagine a High School romance. Needing constant validation and reassurance from me. Obsessive over my time. If he could keep me up till 3am talking my ear off about our “relationship” he would, even if i had to be up early the next morning- what a drag!

Me = needing space and feeling overwhelmed, and wanting to get rid of this leech (and fast).

He = crowding my space and feeling neglected, but refusing to let me go.

So ME began to quickly get anoyed and begin to avoid HE!

Anyway, ME broke up with HE 4 times over the course of 4 months and he wouldn’t take NO for an answer. It got to the point where he became psychotic/delusional. Though i would say NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU, PLEASE HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT AND LEAVE ME ALONE. He would not hear what was being said, and instead would hear whatever he wanted to hear and then respond with something totally random and out of left field. Below is an exchange of text messages between myself and the psychotic kid that just wouldn’t let go.

ME = Blue

HE = White

Uhm…..ok…hold on a second…..WTF….a threesome….when i just told you i don’t want to be with you? where the FUCK did that come from?

Uhhhm….actually are you listening to anything i am saying? It is personal you dumbass! That’s great that you think my honesty is “endearing” i just hope you are actually reading what I am actually writing and not some bogus made-up bullshit you make up in your head.

Hold up! WTFFFFF! You are Fu*king INSANE! I just clearly stated that i didn’t want to have anything to do with you and you want to “smack” me around and “make me cum”? IS IT ME? AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?

Wait? Are we still having the same conversation here? Is HE even listening to ME? What do you want to “give” to me? Right now you are giving me a headache.

No Shit Ya missed me! I scheduled my grocery visit accordingly so i wouldnt run into your crazy ass! And…uhhmmm….how do i explain this to you?

if someone tells you to leave them alone, they don’t want to be with you, and then you text them and they do not respond over and over again….

NO they don’t want to be held,

NO they don’t “care” to see you sometime, and

YES, it is better if you stop talking- mothafucka did you not get the memo? I did STOP talking to you! That’s what NOT responding means!

OK, Little boy, if you ask me at 6:02pm if i “still care to see you” and i don’t respond, and then you ask me at 7:40pm if i would “like to spend the night with you” that is called NO SELF RESPECT. Leave me ALONE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

WAIT A MINUTE….Wait….WHAT?!?! Why are you trying to STILL have a physical realtionship with someone who is clearly avoiding you and NOT responding to your messages!

Do you mean last week on planet earth? I have been ignoring you for long enough now. Most normal dudes would have gotten the picture by now. You are delisional ! Seriously? Stop Texting me. Stop Calling me. Stop emailing me. Stop calling my roommate. Stop adding my friends on Facebook, bookmarking my “Regular” places on Yelp, stay out of my life and leave me ALONE!

After i sent this i realized it was his controlling/manipulative way to find out if i had moved on. I should have just lied and said YES. I am too fu*king honest. Dammit!

The above was sent to me after i had posted something personal on Facebook about feeling stressed about school right around Finals. He immediately had his 2 cents to offer and when i deleted it and blocked him from commenting on my posts he was offended.

Seriously? A hug? Get the FUCK out of my life you crazy fucking weirdo! Give yourself a hug! Give your mother a hug! Give your therapist a hug? Oh you don’t have a therapist? Well you should get one! But please leave me alone.

For the Man who Loved Film!

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 23:10:00 -0700

Ebert!

What will i do now that you have left us?

Who will I compare my movie reviews to?

Who will feed my creative cinematic soul and mentor me through Sun Times and Twitter feeds?

Who will I quote when I need to win an argument with friends about new movie masterpieces misunderstood by simple minded American audiences?

Who’s words will serve as my cohorts when trying to prove a point to other Cinephiles: “It was a shitty movie! Ebert agrees with me!”

I will miss you.

I visited your reviews at least five times a week. I have your list of 102 Movies to see before you die. I am working my way through it.

If you believe in Heaven, may you be up there, watching Citizen Kane, munching on buttery popcorn and eating Haagen Dazs into eternity.

Or if you believe in Reincarnation, may you come back as the camera lens that will inspire great directors. May you be the lens through which the best movies are shot.

Or if you don’t believe in anything at all (which i have been told-you were an atheist), when your body turns to ashes, may you become the dust that paves the way for new creative work to emerge.

You have made a bigger impact in my life than you could have ever imagined. You have mentored me from afar, inspired me, challenged me and introduced me to Directors and films. Thank you. Every Time i go to the movies, i will give thanks for you.

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/05/movies/roger-ebert-film-critic-dies.html?_r=0

http://www.salon.com/2011/09/15/roger_ebert/

My recent performance at the Redcat: Roy and Edna Disney Calarts...

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 22:39:29 -0800

My recent performance at the Redcat: Roy and Edna Disney Calarts Theater. 15 minute excerpt from Internal Bleeding Project. Written and Created by Gabriela Garcia Medina

A Creative Resolution for 2013!

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 17:22:00 -0800

2013 has dawned upon us, the world did not end as the Mayans had predicted, and 2012 dissipated in seconds, gone with the quickness of a shooting star, as fast as the makings of a bad decision, an impulse buy or a pitiful orgasm.

Buzzed on free-flowing booze, drunk off the love of loved ones around us, bellies popped and filled past capacity with treats we gluttonously permitted ourselves to over-indulge in, as a new year entered and we discovered nothing but a small number had changed on the calendar (and maybe too on the scale). Ultimately, we were still the same person on that first peek of January, having to live with ourselves day in and day out. Committed to our passions, seduced by our desire, brought down by our insecurities and fears, brought up by friends, furry ones and loved ones, and hopefully committed to growing with our years.

Making plans to alter and change ourselves, “better” ourselves through heavy resolutions on health and diets, exercise classes, zumba workouts we want to take on ferociously, the books we want to read and book clubs we want to join, money and financial goals, budgeting and self imposed restrictions, new underwear for a “new” year, committing to calling our friends and family more than we do; in short- the works.

One of the most important things for me is Creativity and being inspired by the world/city we live in; which is why i have carefully concocted a list of some of the coolest and most creative artistic and cinematic events happening in Los Angeles in the month of January. I begin the creative journey on Jan 9th because let’s face it, we need at least a week to settle into the new year, and two days to recover from the anxiety of ALL the things we wish we would have done by this year that we haven’t. Allow that feeling of failure to pass, allow the anxiety to subside, and begin to explore, continue to grow, experience, and create! Let’s GO! Time keeps moving and so should we!

JANUARY 2013….WHAT’S LEFT OF IT!

Wed, Jan 9, 7:30pm: Amour as part of the Foreign Film Oscar Nominations Series @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero

Wed, Jan 9, 10pm: Doug Benson’s Movie Interruptions presents: Taken 2 at Cinefamily (Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/

Fri, Jan 11, 7:30pm: The Intouchables as part of the Foreign Film Oscar Nominations @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero

Fri, Jan 11, 7:30pm: Orson Welles double-feature: Citizen Kane and The Magnificent Ambersons @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian

Fri, Jan 11, Midnight: Zombie @ The Cinefamily/Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/

Sat, Jan 12 4pm: Gallery Reception and Art walk @ Bergamot Station, Santa Monica (Free). http://www.bergamotstation.com/

Sat, Jan 12, 7pm-11pm: Second Saturdays @ Ave. 50 Studio Art Gallery in Highland Park. http://www.avenue50studio.com/

Sat, Jan 12, 7:30pm: Fellini’s 8 ½ at the Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian

Sat, Jan 12 (and every Sat of the year), Midnight: The Rocky Horror Picture Show @ The Nuart Theater. http://www.landmarktheatres.com/Market/LosAngeles/NuartTheatre.htm

Sun, Jan 13 6am-3pm: Rose Bowl Flea Market (Second Sunday of every month), Rose Bowl parking lot, Pasadena. http://rgcshows.com/RoseBowl.aspx

Wed, Jan 16, 7:30pm: Mobile Home as part of the Foreign Film Oscar Nomination Series followed by Belgian Beer tasting in the Lobby @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero

Thurs, Jan 17, 7:30pm: The Great Dictator @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian

Fri, Jan 18, 7:30pm: Deer Hunter @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian

Fri, Jan 18, Midnight: The Never Ending Story @ Cinefamily (Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/

Sat, Jan 19, 7:30pm: Double Feature: Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanors followed by Tim Burton’s Ed Wood @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero

Sat, Jan 16, 7:30pm: Xanadu as part of the Dance Movie Series @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian

Sun, Jan 17, 7:30pm: Double Feature: Kurosawa’s Dreams followed by Charlie Kaufman’s Synechtoche NY @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian

Sat, Jan 19, 7:30pm: Mamma Roma screening @ LACMA as part of Bodies, Shadows and Stories: Cinema after Caravaggio Series. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings

Sun, Jan 20, 1pm: Last Temptation of Christ (Scorcese) @ LACMA as part of Bodies, Shadows and Stories: Cinema after Caravaggio Series. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings

Tues, Jan 22, 1pm: Trouble in Paradise @ LACMA as part of their Tuesday Matinees

Fri, Jan 25, 7:30pm: Film Screening of “No” with Gael Garcia Bernal @ LACMA. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings

Sat, Jan 26, 7pm: LACMA Talk: Diane Keaton and D.J. Waldie discuss House (collaboration on Architecture and Interior Design). http://www.lacma.org/event/house-diane-keaton-and-d-j-waldie

Mon, Jan 28, 7:30pm: Doug Bemson’s Movie Interruptions presents Breaking Dawn @ The Cinefamily (Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/

Tues, Jan 29, 1pm: Hitchcock’s Marnie @ LACMA as part of their Tuesday Matinees. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings

Thurs, Jan 31-Feb 3, 8:30pm (except Sun Feb 3 @ 3pm): Mark Bamuthi Joseph/The Living Word Project: red, black & GREEN: a blues @ The Redcat Theater. http://www.redcat.org/event/marc-bamuthi-joseph-the-living-word-project

ON GOING….BETTER GO BEFORE IT GOES AWAY FOREVER!

Stanley Kubrick Special Exhibit @ LACMA (through June 30^th, 2013)

Destroy the Picture: Painting the Void @ MOCA (through Jan 14^th, 2013)

CREEPING ON THE HORIZON!

Kubrick Film Series @ LACMA all month of Feb, 2013

The Wooster Company @ Redcat Feb 21-24, 2013

Luis Buñuel’s Tristana @ The Nuart Theater Feb 22 (One Week Run)

Fela opens @ The Ahmanson Theater April 25, 2013

Brewery Art Walk @ The Brewery: April 27, 28, 2013

Play to Death

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 15:41:00 -0800

who were we to know
what we were to become?

come
enter the nursery
of magical wonder
of optimistic prologues
whimsical masks of playful beasts
trunks of toys and a most promising tomorrow

go

embrace
play

go play
play play
catch your breath
play
skipping rope and hopscotch
skip homework dinner and showers
play play
play gain
as if today were your last chance to relish
in the innocence of your infancy

play
as if you knew that tomorrow the heavy mask of
adulthood would be permanently fixed upon your face
and any remnant of virtuosity
would be boxed and donated to good will

play to play
play to death

dance gracefully over the geography
of your youth
as it travels hastily through time
trying to grapple it
only brings bitterness fermented with age

one day
not too far away from today
fresh budding wildflowers
lost to constructed interiors
forests of potential
turned to polished hardwood floors,
mysterious caves, now caving spaces
where you tame your beast to best survive
inside these walls of constructed identity
antiquated molding and sentimental wallpaper
now scraped bare to expose the bones
of the woman
you never knew
you would become

Excerpt from a show “Internal Bleeding” created by...

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 17:39:19 -0700

Excerpt from a show “Internal Bleeding” created by Gabriela Garcia Medina, with Amy Hartendorp (dance) and Pilar Ortegas Miranda (Cello).

The Exception and The Rule.

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 22:06:59 -0700

“Consider even the most insignificant, seemingly simple

Action with distrust. Ask yourself whether it is necessary

Especially if it is usual.

I ask you expressly to discover

That what happens all the time is not natural.

For to say that something is natural

In such times of bloody confusion

Of ordained disorder, of systematic arbitrariness

Of inhuman humanity is to

Regard it as unchangeable.”

Excerpt from Bertolt Brecht’sThe Exception and the Rule.

Belle De Jour: Effects of Perversion on the Psyche.

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 15:30:00 -0700

On a high horse and carriage, she sits contemplating

Fantasies dwelling in the thickness of perversion

Disgusted by her own desires

Seduced by wild and unexplored demons

She begs to be deprecated, belittled

Berated by strangers living

Addiction to addiction to numbness to meaningless

To loveless, faceless connections without responsibility

Satisfying the immediate impulse of the beast

She succumbs.

Her acquiescence makes them hard

Boredom of the bourgeoisie

Puts a price tag on her bush

Now reeking of hot afternoon sex in Paris

No Bois de Boulogne

No spiritual encounters in a forest of lust

Consummating her hunger

Hidden under the shade of lush green

Body open like wildflowers

Scent oozing like perfume exerted from the ecstasies of her breath

Where she lays free, dirty, raw, consumed into the all-embracing landscape.

She is on the third floor of a dilapidated building

Behind an alley, narrow walkways and broken windows,

Creaking floorboards, unwashed thinning sheets

Soaked in brief ejaculations.

She throws herself to the wolves

And at nights, returns to fancy furniture

A bed that smells of rose petals,

And into the arms of her husband

Beauty of the Brothel

Sacrificial Virgin hides behind Ingenue fearful eyes

Skin soft like a lamb’s wool coating

Searching for some thing, some meaning

A ceremonial act of expression.

only to discover that existence is trivial

but desire is instantaneous.

She is fresh meat to an underworld of despair

And the hungry animals will eat her alive.

Fall into Fun! September in LA: Calendar for Adventurous Urban Sponges!

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 00:49:00 -0700

There’s more than one reason to love this city we live in. It’s not only the North East Mountains, the West side Ocean Breeze, or the unforgiving heat cast over breathtaking desert landscapes. Not just the Noir culture, the Art Deco Vintage Theaters and the California Cuisine healthy, gluten-free, lactose-free, vegan-vegetarian, organic food lifestyle, the infinite array of yoga and pilates classes, the acting schools and casting workshops. We are lucky to live in a city that enriches us in so many ways. Below is Gabi’s Top Places to be this month. How to Continue to enrich our mind, our bodies, through Art, Dance, Film, Theater, Music, Architecture and everything that this beautiful and enchanting about Los Angeles in September (according to yours truly).

GABI’S SEPTEMBER CALENDAR FOR ADVENTUROUS URBAN SPONGES:

——————————————————————————————————-

Thursday, September 6 @ 7:30pm

The Cinefamily Presents:

The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer-Little Ottik

http://www.cinefamily.org/calendar/

——————————————————————————————————————

Thursday, September 6 @ 8pm

The California Institute of Abnormal Arts Presents

Freak Show Los Angeles: 18 years of Circus Underground Entertainment

http://www.ciabnormalarts.com/ciabnormalarts/home.html

——————————————————————————————————————

Friday September 7 @ 6:30pm

The Music Center Presents

Dance Downtown: Samba

http://www.musiccenter.org/events/activearts/Dance-Downtown/Upcoming-Events/Samba/

——————————————————————————————————-

Friday September 7 @ 8pm

Grammy nominated LA Band: La Santa Cecilia

@ 180 E. 35th Street Los Angeles, CA 90011

www.lasantacecilia.com

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 8@ 4pm

The Cinefamily presents:

The Cabinet of Jan aSvankmajer: Darkness Light Darkness: shorts

http://www.cinefamily.org/calendar/

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 8 @ 3pm-9pm

MOLAA (Museum of Latin American Art) Presents

4rth Annual Latin American Parade and Festival

Including Performances by La Santa Cecilia

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 8 @7:30pm

Aero Theater double feature

Diabolique+Eyes without a Face

www.americancinemateque.com

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 8 @7pm-10pm

Ave. 50 Studio and Art Gallery Presents

Second Saturdays: Variations of a Theme and Dave Lovejoy Exhibitions

www.avenue50studio.com

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 8 @ 6pm (movie starts at 8pm)

Cinespia Presents

“Manhattan” Written and Directed by Woody Allen

http://cinespia.org/calendar

——————————————————————————————————————

Thursday, September 13 @ 6:45pm

AIA (The American Institute of Architecture) Presents

Lecture on Legendary Architect Gordon B. Kaufmann @ The Los Feliz Library

http://www.aialosangeles.org/event/lecture-on-legendary-architect-gordon-b-kaufmann-at-los-feliz-library

——————————————————————————————————————

Thursday, September 13@7:30pm

The Cinefamily Presents

The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer: Conspirators of Pleasure

——————————————————————————————————————

Friday, September 14 @ 7pm

MOLAA (Museum of Latin American Art) Presents

Lucha Libre, Taco Trucks, Art and Mexican Music

http://www.molaa.org/Programs-and-Events/events-calendar.aspx

——————————————————————————————————————

Friday, September 14@10:15pm

The Cinefamily Presents:

100 Most Outrageous Action Scene

(come early, this show sells out)

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 15@ 5pm

The Cinefamily Presents

The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer: Faust

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday September 15 @ 5pm

AIA (American Institute of Architecture) Presents

Tour of Brewery Arts Complex & Historic Happy Hour

http://aialosangeles.org/event/historic-resources-committee-tour-of-brewery-arts-complex-followed-by-historic-happy-hour-h-3

——————————————————————————————————-

Saturday, September 15th @ 7:30pm-midnight

Curuye Presents

Monthly Cuban Dance Party

@ Tropico de Nopal Art Gallery in Echo Park

http://www.curuye.com/Site/Future_Happenings.html

——————————————————————————————————-

Saturday, September 15 @ 6pm (movie starts at 8pm)

Cinespia Presents

True Romance (Dir. Tony Scott)

http://cinespia.org/calenda

——————————————————————————————————————

Wednesday September 19@ 7:30pm

The Cinefamily Presents

Doug Benson’s movie Interruption: The Amazing Spiderman

(The next installment of Doug Benson’s Movie Interruption, where Doug and his friends (who, in the past, have included everyone from Brian Posehn to Sarah Silverman and Zack Galifianakis) chill on the front row couches, mics in hand, and say whatever hilarious thing pops into their heads as the movie unfolds. ARRIVE Early to avoid being turned away when sold out and over capacity).

——————————————————————————————————————

Thursday September 20@ 7:30pm

The Cinefamily Presents

The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer: Lunacy

——————————————————————————————————————

Friday, September 21 @ midnight

The Cinefamily Presents

Prince in “Purple Rain”

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 22 @5pm

The Cinefamily Presents

The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer: Alice

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 22 @ 7:30pm

Hollywood Bowl Summer Concert Series Presents

Sing-Along: Sound of Music

http://www.hollywoodbowl.com/tickets/sing-long-sound-of-music/2012-09-22

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 22 @ 6pm (movie starts at 8pm)

Cinespia Presents

The Exorcist

http://cinespia.org/calenda

——————————————————————————————————————

Sunday, September 23 @ 11am

AIA (American Institute of Architecture) Presents

Modernist/Contemporary Tour 1: John Entenza House

http://aialosangeles.org/event/modernist-contemporary-tour-1-john-entenza-house

——————————————————————————————————————

Sunday, September 23@ 7:30pm

The American Cinemateque Presents

Spartacus @ The Egyptian Theater

www.americancinemateque.com

——————————————————————————————————————

Monday September 24 @ 7:30pm

The American Cinemateque Presents

The Princess Bride @ The Egyptian Theater

——————————————————————————————————————

Wednesday, September 26 @ 7pm

The Music Box Presents

The Ryan Bingham Tour and La Santa Cecilia

——————————————————————————————————————

Thursday, Sept 27@ 7:30pm

The Cinefamily Presents

The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer: Surviving Life

——————————————————————————————————-

Friday, September 28 @ 7:30pm

The American Cinemateque Presents

My Fair Lady @ The Egyptian Theater

——————————————————————————————————————

Friday, September 28 @ midnight

The Cinefamily Presents

Dario Argento’s Tenebre

——————————————————————————————————————

Saturday, September 29 @ 8pm

My SUPER AWESOME “Second-Quinceañera” SUPER 30TH BIRTHDAY PARTY

@ Undisclosed location - if we are friends (in real life)- you know whats up!

——————————————————————————————————————

Sunday, September 30 @ Noon

MOLAA (Museum of Latin American Art) Presents

Dance at MOLAA (in the Sculpture Garden):

(12pm) Salsa and Bachata Dance Class/ (1pm) Dj and Dance Session

http://www.molaa.org/Programs-and-Events/events-calendar.aspx

——————————————————————————————————————

Friday & Saturday, October 5, 6 @ TIMES VARY

The New Beverly Theater Presents

The Films of P.T. Anderson

Double Feature: Hard Eight and Boogie Nights

(NOTE: Times vary on Friday and Saturdays so please see website for correct times)

http://newbevcinema.com/calendar.cfm

——————————————————————————————————————

Sunday, Monday, October 7,8 @ TIMES VARY

The New Beverly Theater Presents

The Films of P.T. Anderson: Magnolia

(NOTE: Times vary, several showings. Please visit website for correct times)

http://newbevcinema.com/calendar.cfm

——————————————————————————————————-

Sunday, October 7, 2012

CicLA Via Los Angeles

Tune up your bikes and enjoy the city as it is closed down for cyclists and routes take you through the magical art deco beauty and streets of LA!

http://www.ciclavia.org/

——————————————————————————————————————

Tuesday, Wednesday, October 9, 10 @ TIMES VARY

The New Beverly Theater Presents

The Films of P.T. Anderson

Double Feature: Punch Drunk Love (7:30m), There Will Be Blood (9:30pm)

——————————————————————————————————————

ALSO COMING IN OCTOBER @ LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art) Presents: MASTERWORKS OF EXPRESSIONIST CINEMA FILM SERIES and THE SURREAL SCREEN FILM SERIES. For more information visit: http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings

——————————————————————————————————————

Enjoy your Month, and be sure to come say hello if you spot me in any of the above! And remember, we’re only as bored, as lonely and as uninspired as we allow ourselves to be. Whether you are a writer, a doctor, a social worker, a teacher, a musician or a mathematician; we grow through our exposure and connection to the world we live in. We are blessed to live in a city where art and culture are alive and nurtured in our very own backyard! Let’s take advantage of it!

JUMP!

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 22:26:00 -0700

I admire those that take leaps of faith.

I strive to be more courageous, bold, romantic and passionate in my life.

I have spent the last three years trying to control everything from my career, to my relationships, my food intake, my workout regime, my time, my expenses, even my conversations (as a way to avoid conflict and appear to be the coolest, most composed and most awesome individual to strangers and friends alike). Was this authentic? NO! But this obsession with packaging myself as perfect kept my mind occupied, and made me feel purposeful, as if i was headed on the path to “perceived” success.

I have been very measured, composed, well put together, perfectly dressed, made-up, well-spoken, exemplary individual, friend, girlfriend, daughter, artist, but this has all been a FAKE! Deep down I have barely been holding it together just enough to fool everyone around me. Was I trying to lie to my family and friends? Of course NOT! But somehow, I believed, that I could maintain this way of being and hopefully become this person that is PERFECT. Conflict-free, always invested, but never too much to be fully immersed or truly emotional. It was only a matter of time until I had a breakdown.

This did not bring me happiness though i appeared to be happy ALL the time.

I enjoyed a romantic relationship that lasted over two years with a man who loved me deeply but I was always able to maintain my emotions in check so I would not fall in love and lose control. So afraid of what might happen if i was “out of control” I became cold and bitter towards love.

I was not self-realized in my accomplishments though I appeared to have much success in my creative career and was financially independent. I felt so much self-imposed pressure to stay on top of my game and to be the BEST at my job, that I never allowed myself to enjoy ANY accomplishment or award. All the fame, success and money I achieved, I would quickly minimize, out of fear that embracing it would make me complacent, start to slack, and it would only be a matter of time, till I would lose it all. I felt as if I was barely holding on to everything by some miraculous stroke of luck, and I refused to see that I was an active participant in my own success and my own accomplishments. I felt as if I had worked so hard but any bit of hard earned success could be lost in the fraction of an instant.

I isolated myself in a glass bubble. Miserable, lonely, misunderstood, depressed, unhappy, untouchable. Living a frivolous life. Obsessed with controlling the outcome of everything and falling into a depression when something didn’t work out the way I expected it to, given my extensive planning, my hard work, and after having sucked all the love, passion and fun out of every experience and action I took. Like i said- I was miserable.

The irony is that I was so gone in a state of ignorance, so stubbornly thinking I was controlling the world I lived in, when in reality, it was my obsession for control which ended up controlling my life completely!

Who wants to live like that? What have I done so inherently wrong that makes me unworthy of happiness? of peace of mind? of real genuine connections with family and friends? of love? And who said that i needed to be perfect to be loved?

I want to make mistakes.

I want to fall over and bleed a little, bruise and burn.

I want a broken heart, a torn ligament from chasing after a dream I may never get but dammit i wanna run after them anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no masochist, I don’t want to get beaten up by life and be a victim drowning in sorrow and pain from scars that could have been avoided. That would be the other extreme. But i am sick of being stone cold and feeling numb all the time. I don’t want to go out into the world with my heart on my sleeve asking for people to take a stab at it, but I don’t want to be afraid of doing something at the risk of possible scarring. Battle wounds are part of any journey. And YES, I want my heart to melt a little, I want my bones to quiver, my skin to shiver. I want to stomach to twist and turn with excitement. I want to cry when someone dies. I want to cry at a wedding. I want to cry when a baby is born. I want to cry. Period.

Like a child who returns home with torn jeans and a bleeding knee after hours of playing. I want to play fearlessly. I remember my mother always told me to sit out and play nice, to be careful not to dirty my pretty party dress. But who wants to sit on the side and watch other kids have fun, even if it means getting hurt, falling down, bleeding a little from the fall. I want to chase after my friends as if they were dreams i was trying to catch. I don’t want to be an observer wanting so hard to be perfect i am paralyzed to even try.

And I am not saying we should walk into fire, do back flips into an abyss or jump off of 10 story building blindfolded, but I am saying that I want to take more risks in life.

I want to feel passion and romance.

To feel deeply. To yearn

To burn with desire.

Even at the risk of being hurt or broken.

I don’t want to make irresponsible decisions but I do want to make more decisions dictated less from my brain and more from my heart.

Ready…..set…..JUMP!

Four letters: C-U-B-A

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 05:48:27 -0700

…bursts of creativity upon return…

Gym Junkies and Bitches with Attitudes

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 13:29:00 -0700

Men are just as much victims of patriarchy as women are.

Girls who show tits and ass while claiming to be emancipated and free; are lying to themselves as much as gym junky buff guys who drive hummers and refuse to cry during Bambi. We are trapped in social conventions.

We are taught that: Men should be strong, providers, aggressive, brave, confident, non-committed, insensitive. And Women should be caregivers, vulnerable, soft-spoken, gentle, conservative, docile, nurturing, sensitive. But why? How limiting to have to fit into these molds of who we “should” be! I want to be a complete human being who thinks, feels, grows, explores her identity as it takes shape given the unique experiences I go through in life. At some point in our childhood, somewhere in our development, our growth is stifled as these social laws begin to infiltrate our psyche and we are forced to adapt or be outcast from society so we learn to play the roles as they are assigned to us, and dismiss any exploration of the true self.

Erroneously, the rise of Western Feminism has come about as a reactionary movement in exact opposition of the conventional gender roles mentioned above. So if women have historically been expected to be docile, then so-called “feminists” go out of their way to be the other extreme. If women are socially encouraged to be sensitive and conservative, then feminists go out of their way to look hard, tough, aggressive and oversexed! This is why “feminists” have such a bad rep, we are seen as angry, bitches with bad attitudes; and honestly, that’s because it’s true. I don’t personally believe that going to the other extreme is liberating to my soul. I don’t believe that reactionary movements can creatively solve existing problems. I believe in the creation of new ideas, and new identities. And Western Feminism, as we have come to know it in the mainstream, is an angry and egotistical reactionary movement to patriarchy, driven by an “agenda” and a need to “win”. Instead of seeking a true and genuine identity, it goes to the other extreme without bothering to look within for an honest connected spiritual answer from the heart. Instead of being “pro” anything, it’s “anti” everything conventional, and so it is a movement about fighting another movement, not about creating any new ideas or new ways to define ourselves.

But regardless of feminism being used as a reaction or not, we are still left with the problem of patriarchy, and it continues to affect all of us. When I say men are just as much victims of patriarchy as women are; I mean that men suffer the consequences from having to repress their natural sensibilities, suppressing their inherent desire to be expressive, their need to cry gets stumped by the pressure from society to act like a “man” and having to appear tough and strong in the face of the world, and in the face of women who are also not exempt from patriarchal beliefs and who want men to be their saviors and protectors.

On the other hand, Women are expected to be docile, so when we are outspoken and extroverted men are put off, we can be seen as intimidating, and aggressive. When we are successful, we make men feel inferior, and because we are taught that we must be virgins till our wedding night, we do not know our bodies and we either don’t masturbate, or we are embarrassed to admit that we do and that we like it!

Thus, neither men nor women are capable of fully expressing ourselves and achieving our highest potential as human beings, because we get caught up in the roles we must play, or we go to extremes to prove we are the complete opposite of what society expects us to be. Either way, we are acting, and not living in truth, in connection to our hearts. We are lost, disconnected from ourselves, unable to connect to one another, and ultimately unhappy and alone.

I was inspired to write this blog because i am constantly trying to define what it means to be a woman. And as i am single and dating, i realize that i am attracted to men that have a more fluid definition of manhood, rather than a rigid, conservative way about them. In fact, i have recently realized that a man’s view of gender roles is a “deal-breaker” for me. I can’t date manly stalky men who drive big cars, go to the gym to bulk up their muscles, and who think the woman’s place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Men who think they must bring in more money than the woman or their virility comes into question, God forbid I am more successful than he is! What does that say about the size of his penis? Maybe he won’t be able to get it hard if I make more money than he does? Men who think the woman should be seen, not heard, trophy wife (preferably blonde) a virgin in public but a whore in the bedroom, submissive, fit and big breasted sliver of perfection, while he drinks beer, grows a bacon belly and shoots guns on weekends at the range. Ok, maybe this is a bit antiquated, but even the most modern hipster in silver lake can have bouts of subtle masochism. Maybe it’s as indirect as the way he talks about women and dating in conversation, or his views on marriage and the household, maybe it’s the way he tells you to wear a certain length of skirt or comments on another woman’s cleavage at your local coffee shop. We have evolved from the 50s housewife fantasy, but sadly, not as much as we’d like to believe.

I want to keep my last name when I get married, it is important to me to keep my own identity (and yes, i believe in marriage. To me, it signifies a union blessed by a community of loved ones, not necessarily by the church or the state, but by family and your spiritual and emotional circle of friends). Like i said, I am not trying to do away with all conventions, but rather try to find my true self within and without them.

By figuring out what i want and what i don’t want, i hope to attract a partner who is aligned with my views. For example, another thing I HATE is that we live in a culture where women bare their father’s surname and take on their husband’s surname once married. It’s as if we are passed on from one man to another. The man i end up with, must respect that i will not take his last name. If this is a point of contention, then we are not suited for one another.

So many couples prize a son over a daughter. I don’t need to birth a boy to be a fulfilled parent. I don’t care if I have a boy or a girl, I will be happy either way, any child of mine will be an asset to the world, and both can be free to play sports and learn to dance, play with Legos and dolls. Toys are just toys and sports are just exercise, everything else is meaning we slab onto it to complicate things.

Harmless at first, but like a snowball effect we innocently perpetuate gender roles, each time reinforcing them, and cementing them, punish those who don’t act accordingly, we solidify the new social norms until finally, over time they become the ultimate truths and universal law; at which point, our children’s children will know no other way, they will have no other option, they will believe they have free will, but they will be acting from what was inculcated in them from generations prior. So it is my duty, as a free thinking individual, not to conform to these definitions of gender, but also not to identify with the extreme of “feminism” just because it is in stark contrast and reaction to the traditional conservative definitions of gender roles. It is my responsibility to question and to seek as i live out each day redefining the person that i am.

So guys, if you need a hug from your man friend, just ask for it, see what happens! if you need a shoulder to cry on, it’s not a sign of weakness to reach out to a loved one, you are not less of a man for doing so. If you got your heart broken you don’t have to go get some pussy to forget her, if your heart is telling you to write a poem instead, then do THAT! Don’t put your dick in a stranger cause that’s what your buddies are telling you men do. If you want to learn to cook instead of playing soccer, NEWSFLASH: Cooking is sexy. Men who are in touch with their femininity are SEXY and Confident. And likewise, Ladies, we are not whores for loving our bodies and knowing what feels good. If you want to buy a vibrator, you don’t have to go incognito into the Pleasure Chest and pay with cash so it doesn’t show up on your credit card statement. There is nothing wrong with a woman who LOVES herself! If we go to a bar by ourselves, we don’t have to be awkward and uncomfortable, just enjoy being on a date alone! We don’t have to sit around with our girlfriends for hours talking about guys guys guys and primping for hours for guys guys guys, the world doesn’t revolve around guys guys guys, so focus on YOURSELF. If you don’t feel like shaving your legs in the winter, then don’t do it! (I never shave my legs in winter! What for!?!). I pay someone to clean my house and i don’t know how to cook because I’d rather spend my time writing poems and going to Art museums. it’s not just the big gender differences, it’s the small things too that we don’t even realize we do automatically like robots. We’re all in this together, so let’s break free from the machine and really get to know who we are so we can know what we want, we can ask for what we need and we can surround ourselves with people who are brave enough to be different.

For Better or Worse...

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 11:23:00 -0700

For better or worse, we all know what it feels like to have our hearts broken; when the person you foresee yourself spending the rest of your life with, imagine having beautiful fat-cheeked babies with, going on worldly adventures, and eventually, taking your last breath of life together; suddenly tells you those dreaded words: “I love you, but i am not IN love with you” In that instant, your jaw drops, your face turns ghostly pale, your blood pressure lowers to negative zero, you are about to faint, though you’d rather just die, fall into a ditch, get a concussion, go to sleep and never wake up again, (that would be easier than dealing with heartbreak). But no, you sit there and you take in the pain like a masochist getting whipped, you bite your tongue and you listen gracefully to the person you love rip your heart to shreds (and spit it out cause they don’t want it anymore).

Your whole world begins to disintegrate in slow motion, you become but a spectator in a state of paralysis, watching your future slip through your fingertips, unable to react, you witness your own demise. As your once fervent dreams plummet from their pedestal and your heart smashes against the ground like a succulent ripe tomato bleeding, gutted, fallen from the sky and burst onto the concrete pavement of a new reality where you will walk aimlessly on a terrifying journey through darkness. What’s worse, is that THAT is just your initial reaction; what is to come for days on end is much much worse; it is horror and hell; a black hole that will suck you up and spin you into an orbit of despair.

I was in love once, and after two years, my heart was broken. It appeared to be going so well, we never fought or argued, we had similar views, had great sexual chemistry, would go off on crazy spontaneous adventures together. So when he told me one Valentine’s Day, that over time he had grown to care for me more like a sister than a lover, I didn’t see it coming. I was distraught.

When you are the one who gets dumped and rejected; it is harder for you to let go of the other person than it is for the other person to let go of you. While they will likely move on with their lives faster, you may experience trauma and pain for a longer period of time.

After you have come to terms with your loss, sulked in self-pity, drowned in your own depressive state, had several meaningless sexual encounters in search of meaningful connections and physical validation, after you have isolated, cried in front of the mirror feeling sorry for yourself, sobbed in traffic when a familiar love song came on the radio, joined a gym in an effort to drastically change your life, bought a plane ticket to go halfway around the world (as if you could get far enough away from yourself and the pain you are feeling); after you have let your friends set you up on dates as a way to assure them you are ready to move on (when deep down you know you are still crushed), after the negative self talk that you are doomed to end up alone and you will never find someone as special or as amazing as your ex, you will die love-less and unhappy. After all that, you secretly start to fantasize about the day that your ex will see you again, looking amazing, 20lbs skinnier, long hair waving in the wind like a movie star, dressed elegantly yet seductively with all eyes on you; and you imagine your ex wanting you, desiring you. You romanticize your relationship and remember only the good parts. Forget all the pain and all the reasons why it didn’t work out. Fantasize about them being hypnotized by your magical beauty, only to reject them and make them suffer as they did to you, as an “I told you so!” or “I knew you would regret your decision but now you can’t have me, you should have fought for me when you had the chance!” Truth is, we can say we’ve moved on all we want, but don’t we all fantasize about the day our exes realize they were NOT better off without us? The day our exes who dumped us because we were not what they wanted, realize we were actually the BEST thing that EVER happened to them?

Come on! i know this is totally the ego talking, and it’s hard to admit it, but don’t we all secretly wish for that?

My work brought me back in contact with an ex boyfriend. The one person I ever loved so deeply that left me scarred for life; and here we were, four years later, at a Conference where he had invited me to speak and facilitate a workshop. After a night of drinks, dancing, networking and socializing; my ex offered to walk me back to where I was staying so that we could catch up and talk since we’d both been so busy with the conference activities that we hadn’t had a chance to connect. I agreed. On our walk I discovered that I still had feelings of rejection and pain that I’d been holding onto for years (and that had hindered me from moving on and being open to love again), and likewise he had feelings of guilt and cowardice that he hadn’t been able to let go off either. Maybe the alcohol had gotten to us a bit and as we confessed our regrets, our fears, and our burdens; overly emotional we both sobbed hysterically at 3am along the empty streets of this hippie small college town where we found ourselves. When we got to my doorstep, I felt as if the walk had been a roller-coaster ride with highs and lows, slow climbs and upside down turns. I had a headache and was exhausted but for the first time felt that I had said everything I had ever wanted to say and released a huge brick that had been putting pressure on my chest for the last four years. I said “good night” he looked me in the eyes and asked if he could kiss me. PAUSE. PAUSE. PAUSE.

Isn’t this the catharsis of every dumped person’s ego? Their ex wanting to steal a goodnight kiss? i have dreamed about this day for the last four years but never actually believing it would come to fruition, ever! And here we were, the man who had broken me, shredded my naive heart, once soft and tender now hardened and cautious. If i had planned this it would never have happened like this! Was this really happening? The man i had idolized, wanted validation from, saw my wedding day, my future children with, the man i had wanted to grow ugly, shriveled and old with JUST asked if he could kiss me. I thought about this for a moment. I was caught off guard.

And in that moment, i realized that i had been holding on to an idea of a love. In that moment it was clear that i was stubbornly wanting to grapple to his heart because it had rejected me; not because i had any left over feelings, not because we were actually still compatible, but because the ego wants what it cannot have and it will trick the heart into believing that it is LOVE. but in this moment of fantasy come true, I saw that my love had shifted, i was not capriciously yearning, desiring, passionately craving this man’s love, i loved him for what he represented in my life, for the pain and the lessons that the heartbreak caused me, but i did not love him in the way i expected, did not want him just because i couldn’t have him. Now that i could have had him, i saw that i didn’t want him at all. Four years later, i was a different person altogether, and now, in this moment, a different person with closure, clarity, and open to discovering love again, not stuck in the past, haunted by the rejection of ex lovers and searching for validation in the nostalgia of old memories that were no longer true to who i am in this moment. I am a woman who has come full circle many times over since four years ago, and holding on to the past only satiates the ego for a split second, but does not honor the truth and growth in my heart. For better or worse, i am a different woman now, and i am open to love with someone who is aligned to who i have become, to the lessons i have learned, and the wisdom i have gained over the years; i am ready for something fresh, new and unpredictable, for better or worse…

Vintage Shopping for Dummies: How to get the Cutest Value Fur Your Money!

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 15:50:00 -0700

Raised on a thrifty budget, since i was a child. I was once ashamed to wear hand-me-down dresses from my older cousins, once i even inherited a bathing suit from my mother’s coworker’s wife, this bathing suit was so big and stretched out by the time i salvaged it, that my mother had to put a scrunchie around the straps just to make it stay on, except when I’d jump in the water, the elastic would stretch and my hand-me-down bathing suit would often fall off. When we’d shop at a store for something that was brand new, i could only every chose from the clearance rack, and most times we’d go to Little India in London for all my birthday dresses. I used to look like a Hindi Cuban but my mother didn’t care, dresses in Little India were cheap and negotiable. My shoes were always AT LEAST two sizes too big (not exaggerating), stuffed with cotton balls on the toe cap just so that they would last me for years to come; as my feet grew, the cotton balls were slowly removed and i literally grew into them. I remember I went to a really poor public school, still everyone else in my class seemed to have cooler stuff than me. Katie Bowman in my seventh grade class wore all the new outfits from C&A and I would so wish her mom would kidnap me and take me on a shopping spree, but that never happened.

Ironically, as an adult, when i came into my own money, I could have indulged in new fashionable haute couture, obsessing with the next trend as a way to repudiate the shame from years of financial hardship that forced my family to become frugal; but instead, I grew into a very low maintenance, thrifty young lady. Still to this day, I buy most of my clothes at thrift stores, flea markets and vintage shops. I will bargain, negotiate, inspect garments for tears, tarnishes, stains, rips, broken zippers, and use all of those as bargaining chips in pleading my case for a lower price.

There’s Lot’s of “Vintage” shops out there, how do you know which are the GOOD ones?

Smell: How does it smell once you walk inside. The smell is a good indicator of how much the shop owner cares about their inventory. The really passionate sellers LOVE the garments so much, they get washed and steamed, so when you walk into a store, it should smells clean and bounty fresh. If it smells like someone’s dirty yoga pants after a Bikram class, then that’s the first sign for you (the customer) to tread lightly, touch carefully, try on- ONLY if you must! and be sure to wash your hands after you leave.

Sight: Read the labels. the legitimate vintage shops will have garments with authentic old labels, worn out, washed out, fading; this is a good sign. Some stores however, will try to pass off H&M crap or Forever 21 junk that may appear to be vintage and they will just cut the tag off the item as to confuse the customer. This is gangsta! (and not in a good way). So if you see cut out tags, missing sizes this can be questionable. Also some stores try to pass off cheap Halloween costumes as authentic vintage apparel. Look at the inseams and stitches and you will be able to tell quality from shit. A store that also takes pride in their items will often mend broken zippers, holes, tears, etc. so look out for these too as you sift through the merchandize. It is ok to pay $40 for a piece that has been dry-cleaned/steamed, mended, and cared for, but don’t pay $40 for a smelly H&M dress you could have gotten for $10 on clearance two seasons ago!

Touch: After the store has passed the smell and sight test, make sure you touch the garments, first to feel the texture; close your eyes, does it feel like expensive quality fabric? or cheap and synthetic fibers such as acrylic, polyester and nylon? You want to put things on your body that are loving and natural to it, and if you ABSOLUTELY must have that polyester dress, then you shouldn’t pay more than it’s worth…which is…not very much!

Try it ON: So it passed all the above! Now it’s time to try it on. Even if it looks a bit too big or too small, don’t trust the sizing, people had different body shapes back then, and sizes are arbitrary anyways, so don’t be discouraged if the dress says Small and you are a Medium, or if it says Large and you are an Extra Small. TRY IT ON ANYWAY! You may be pleasantly surprised. Also if you really find a dress or garment that works for you, that is good quality material, exotic or unique textile and design; etc. even if it is a little too big you can always take it to a tailor to adjust it for your body type, and it may still be cheaper than buying a dress at Anthropologie which are ultimately generic and boring since anyone can buy them, yours will be ONE of a kind and fitted to your measurements! But it is important that it passes all other tests first, because if it is made out of cheap fabric, it may not be alterable, it may fray, or fall apart, or cost more to fix than the garment may actually be worth, so make sure it passes all tests first.

Leave It Alone: Part of being a thrifty shopper is leaving your finds alone. It’s almost as if you are gambling with the universe in a sense. Ok, so sometimes when you find something you love, you just snatch it up right there and then; but MOST times, even if you really like an item (especially if it will need alterations, and fixes), you want to try it on and leave it in the store for a day or two. Maybe ask the employee to hold it for you, and if they won’t hold it, then leave it to chance. I find that Vintage buying can be very impulsive. We see something we like and we don’t think it exists anywhere else so we wanna get it and are willing to pay high price for it. This is silly, the person selling it should be just as lucky to get rid of it, as you are to own it (if not more!). NEGOTIATE! To you it’s the dress of a lifetime, you can see yourself walking through Paris in it with faux fur and Jackie O sunglasses, but THEY (the store owners/employees) don’t know this. Play it down, and don’t play it interested. Leave the garment for a few days and say you will think about it. If they don’t want to hold it, ask for a discount there and then, and if they refuse just walk away; if it is meant for you, it will be there when you come back 48 hours later. Many times, you will also realize that you forgot all about it, and change your mind. When this happens, as a courtesy I will call the store and tell them to take it off hold. But Vintage Shops aren’t like regular shops, once you buy it, you OWN it and there is no refunds, returns or exchanges, so waiting two days is a good way to be sure and not disparage your cash, plus it gives the store owner an incentive to offer you a discount or some sort of deal. I NEVER pay full price (as marked) for USED garments. These are only worth the value we give them, ultimately they are OLD, just cause we are in LOVE with them, doesn’t make them more valuable, so if you are willing to pay $80 for it, that’s what you’ll pay, but if you offer $50 and come back in two days, you may just get what you bargained for!

A Poem to Still the Waters.

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 00:12:07 -0700

Morning Poem

Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches —-
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it

the thorn
that is heavier than lead —-
if it’s all you can do
to keep on trudging —-

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted —-

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

~ Mary Oliver ~

A Life Lesson in Love.

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 13:35:00 -0700

(Photo of Luis Buñuel’s short Un Chien Andalou: lovers sand death)

A Life Lesson in Love.

I believe that every person that we allow to come into our lives is an opportunity for us to learn something about ourselves, about who we are as people, about what we want in a partner, what we are willing (or not willing) to compromise for love.

I had been single for over a year, dabbling into dating; while always in control of every potential mate that entered into my circle, my circus of life. I was the ring-leader, lion-tamer who found safety and comfort in knowing I held the whip in case any of my suitors were to act irrationally or capriciously. I could withdraw immediately, send them away, retreat, replace them. I was in charge.

This last time it was different. It was unexpected, he caught me by surprise. Unlike any of the others, he was rowdy and outspoken, caught me out of the ring, out of my costume, and out of character, walked into my dressing room uninvited. I was not prepared to face him, my mask was off, my hair tousled, and my whip was out of reach. He saw me vulnerable, i was revealed, and i liked him and hated him for it instantly. It enraged me and excited me, thrilled me and scared me. No one had ever seen me like this in years! Who did he think he was to catch me in the flesh, exposed? I had no tactic, no road map, no time to device a plan of attack; or to plot an escape route that could keep my ego intact, but i wanted him anyway; there was something really liberating about these feelings i could not control; there was freedom in the unknown. I was intrigued and ready to leap into a new adventure.

He drove me insane. we were so similar and so different. It would be too scary to love someone like that. For self-preservation I convinced myself our differences were greater than our similarities and it would never work. Everything he said, wrote, did, I tried to convince myself of how it was not compatible to my lifestyle and my values, how it could never work between us, thus ensuring my safety, guarding my heart from falling in love and being broken. How utterly stupid, I know. On the one hand i exclaimed i wanted to fall in love, and on the other i quietly built wall after wall to keep him at a safe distance from my heart.

It is ending (I think), or at least, It is unraveling very quickly; falling apart faster than I can do anything about it, but this is ok. I am humbled in the acceptance that i can’t control the outcome of all things, even if i am tempted to want to fix everything, try to make everything ok, i stop myself this time and let it play out organically. We are powerless beings and surrendering to this ironically makes us powerful. So i stand back and reflect. I have no regrets. It was amazing. It was passionate. it was fun. it was beautiful. it was sad. it is life.

I have learned so much about myself in such a short period of time.

I have learned that i am ready to fall in love again (for a long time i was going through the motions but wasn’t ready, i had other things that took precedence over love, now i am finally ready and i know it, so i can open my arms and my heart to it and accept it when it comes around again).

I have learned that i never lost my unyielding passion, it is forever burning inside me; it had just been dormant, until the right spark came along and it was revived, it is currently hot, fiery and loud. I learned that I should be proud of this passion, that it makes me who i am, and that i should not compromise it for anyone. Whoever i end up with should love me AND my passion.

I have learned that chemistry (and YES, sexual chemistry) is really important between two people. If it isn’t there, it’s likely it may never be there. Usually passion and chemistry go hand in hand.

I have learned that as you get older, you are likely set in your ways, you are bound to butt heads with your partner, what it comes down to is this: what are you willing to compromise on, and what is a “make it or brake it”! If you are clear about this from the start, then you don’t have to waste your time or theirs.

I have learned that it is crucial to surrender the dominant energy and be vulnerable and exposed with your partner. For a relationship to work, this act of surrender, must be balanced and go BOTH ways. There cannot be one person that is always dominant or always vulnerable, both parties must be willing to trust and surrender to the other.

I have learned that no matter how angry, sad, upset, enraged, one might feel in the moment, we can always act out of our higher self, from a place of love and compassion. It’s no one’s fault when things don’t work out, no one did anything wrong, no one is to blame, there is no “BAD” person, it’s just the way it is sometimes, if we can let go from a place of unconditional love instead of from a place of bitter ego, then our heart will continue to grow freer and get full closure despite the initial suffering.

I have learned that the things you may LOVE about the other person, that make them different, unique, exciting, amazing, may also be the SAME things that drive you insane, crazy, mad about them later. Is this a catch-22? Is this why so many of us end up in unfulfilled unhappy relationships? Because we realize we continue to attract same-old safe partners and when we finally get something different that arouses us and challenges us, we decide we can’t handle it, or we don’t want it, so we go back to what’s safe, conventional, and something we can control? Oy Vey! I have learned here, that i must challenge myself to compromise, listen and love with an open heart and mind, just because i am comfortable with a certain “type” of person that thinks like me, likes the things i like, and agrees with everything i do, doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t learn and grow from people that lovingly challenge me to see the world through a different lens. Hey if it doesn’t work out, you can always go back to what you know!

I have learned that i can pretend that i am not sad, that i am not suffering a loss, that the pain can’t touch me, and go on about my day, fill up my hours, minutes, seconds, with infinite plans and “fun-packed” activities so as to avoid dealing with my feelings, only i would be cheating myself; the pain would just be stuffed, avoiding it doesn’t make it disappear. Out of mind, out of sight doesn’t work with people who want to be fully and deeply alive and aware of themselves. For me it was also obsessing with food, weight and calories, for others it’s alcohol, work, drugs, sex, shopping; ultimately these are just distractions from feeling our feelings and facing our fears. Mindless coping mechanisms we default to, but i have learned that when I allow myself to feel the pain, the world doesn’t crumble, i just walk through darkness and eventually come out the other side; allowing me to be honest and genuine with myself and those around me.

Lastly I have learned that I am grateful for the opportunity to reflect, to write, to grow, to love passionately and fearlessly, and to understand myself and the world with every human interaction; ultimately this is what life is all about; and for the last three years, i haven’t been living. I have been hiding in a cave, dipping my toe, retreating, pretending, faking, lying to myself, controlling, even if things do or don’t work out with this one; I am not committed to an outcome, because I am grounded and reminded that life is a vast and exciting ocean and i am ready to dive in and discover its depth!

When I was Poor: Stories that made a Frugal Thrifty Cuban Thrive! PART 2

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 13:46:00 -0700

When I was Poor: Stories that made a Frugal Thrifty Cuban Thrive! Part 2

On weekends we’d drive around Kensington, Regents Park and Hyde Park. My mother had figured out that wealthy Brits threw out perfectly good furniture onto the streets on a regular basis; stuff that to them was old and in need of shiny brand new replacements, to my family would look like perfect treasures for our house. We’d drive around the city in the mornings and fit our finds in the trunk, then spent the afternoon re-arranging our new found furniture at home.

One time we found a fridge on a street corner, between the three of us (my mom, my stepdad and me) we managed to haul it onto our car and get it back to our apartment; but since we already had a fridge in our kitchen, my parents decided this massive fridge would go in a corner in their bedroom; they had adopted a fridge in their sleeping quarters, like a normal person might adopt a boudoir or an armoir. They even put family photos on top, as if to camouflage it. Now, every time Sainsburys had a special deal, or my mother wanted to overstock on dessert, we had a whole other fridge to fill with things we didn’t need.

Coming from a lack mentality I’m sure having two fridges relieved her anxiety around being a provider, it gave her comfort knowing that if a big catastrophe were to occur, we’d all be set to survive on our resources. This used to happen to people who lived through World War II or The Great Depression; at the fear of not having supplies they would stock surplus cans of goods even long after the war/depression had ended. For my family, there was no war, but coming from financial scarcity and rationed portioning of food where your quota is based on your age and the size of your family, it must have given my mother great relief to know that we had not one, but two fridges stocked with nourishment should we ever find ourselves in dire need.

On celebratory days, we’d go out to eat at buffet restaurants. Like Americans have Pizza Hut, Brits had Deep Pan Pizza Co, an all-you-can-eat cheap pizza joint where adults ate for $2.99 and children under 12 years old, ate free. While I loved going out to such a fancy feast it always embarrassed me when my mother would lie to the hostess about my age and say i was 11 even though i was nearing 14; the hostess would look me up and down as if trying to catch my mother’s lie on my face, i would smile bright revealing my charming overbite, she’d find this endearing and seat us. My mother would then order one adult buffet meal and one child as she loudly complained to the waiter that she was on a diet and could not eat anything at the restaurant. Whenever the staff wasn’t looking in our direction, mom would pinch me under the table and whisper the items she wanted me to put on my plate for her to eat. I thought we were so cheap. If you thought $2.99 per person was a deal, my entire family ate for $2.99! To make things worse, my mother would bring clean tupperware from home in her big fake leather purse, and she’d go to work under the table, smuggling enough pizza, lasagna and cookies for dinner that night and lunch the next day. One time the restaurant manager caught us and practically held us hostage by refusing to let us leave without at least paying for a second adult meal, but my mom’s quick wit and negotiation tactics spun the manager’s brain in circles so hard that he ended up dumbfounded, disoriented and feeling like he should have paid US to eat there, instead of the other way around! I think we might have even gotten a full refund that day, my mother was gloating as we walked toward the car.

Photo

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 12:05:59 -0700

When I was Poor: Stories that made a Frugal Thrifty Cuban Thrive! PART 1

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 13:09:00 -0700

When I was Poor: Stories that Made a Frugal Thrifty Cuban Thrive!

I come from an immigrant family. In 1989, two months after my seventh birthday my parents were sent on a “mission” to London; and everything i knew of life was swept from under my little feet as we boarded a plane from Havana International to Heathrow Airport. Not my first time on a plane, but my first time being uprooted and forced to leave my world behind, my friends, my grandmother, my school, my neighborhood.

In London i was an alien. Didn’t speak the language, nor share the customs. I didn’t even look like most of the girls my age. They had pale white skin, yellow rotting teeth, long blonde hair, skinny legs and round bellies. I had olive skin, a pearly white overbite, un-brushed tomboy brown hair (that my mother had forced me to cut real short in Cuba because she didn’t know how much something like that would cost in a capitalist country), a tiny waist and a woman’s thighs (though i was just a young girl).

The first few months my parents worried i had become a mute, I barely spoke, just wrote long romantic letters home to my friends and grandmother, describing my despair and isolation in this place that was so unfamiliar and reminiscing about the life i had left behind. In this country I couldn’t play hide and seek on the street with all the kids on my block, they didn’t have tropical rainstorms, power outages or mangoes, the neighbors didn’t scold me if they saw me being mischievous, they just looked the other way. It was so cold and lonely here.

We lived in Camden Town; this area is now considered the hipster London, but we lived there when it was poor. I was afraid to walk home from school alone because back then it wasn’t the safest neighborhood but i had to get used to it since my parents worked long hours and couldn’t afford a babysitter.

I was home alone from the time school got out till hours after the sun set. Our house was my palace where i could do whatever i wanted but since my parents had so much trust in me, i was generally a good kid. My after school snack consisted of a couple of bowls of cereal while watching ThunderCats, He-Man, Shera, Scooby-Doo, The Flinstones, and Jem and the Holograms (my favorite)! These cartoons were awesome! They weren’t like the Russian ones i was used to on Cuban television, but they were entertaining just the same. Right around the time Full House started at 7pm my parents would be arriving and joining me on the couch. We’d enjoy hours of television together and i was even allowed to stay up and watch R-Rated movies, they treated me like a little adult.

Dinners always consisted of rice, meat and a small salad (with onions- Cubans love onions on their salads); and we CANNOT have a meal without rice, it would be like having a bike without pedals or a school without teachers, it just doesn’t make any sense in our brains. We gained a lot of weight collectively. Having come from a country where food was scarce to a place where variety was plenty, my mom collected coupons like a hoarder might collect stuff; she was obsessive about it! and if something was on special at Sainsburys she’d buy not one, not two, but as many boxes as would fit in our fridge.

One time Sara Lee Cheesecake was on Special at Sainsburys and my mom bought so many boxes that we had to ask our Cuban neighbors if we could store some in their fridge because we didn’t have enough room in ours. (Good thing we had Cuban neighbors down the hall, cause had we only had Brits they might have thought my mother was a lunatic with 30 boxes of cheesecake, Cubans could at least empathize). Still, how embarrassing!!! My mother had bought so much Sarah Lee Cheesecake that every day, after EVERY meal we knew what to expect for dessert! We had SO much cheesecake in such a short period of time, that i was traumatized for life, still, to this day, i cringe at the sight of cheesecake and i am repulsed at the taste. As an adult, my friends who know about my past, have taken it upon themselves to prove to me that i can love cheesecake again, but nope, my disgust for cheesecake persists. i had so much of it, that it will likely last me a lifetime. Sometimes i think a part of it is psychological, that eating it reminds me of poverty and hardship, loneliness and isolation; this may be in part true; but NO ONE should EVER eat so much cheesecake!