When i say: I am Happily Single,
It means: I AM HAPPILY SINGLE DAMMIT!
Unfortunately we live in a culture where it is unacceptable for women to be happily single. It is presumed that if we are alone, we must be unhappy, sad, or something is inherently wrong with us emotionally, psychologically or both. Especially nearing our thirties, there is an angel of pity that flies across a room when a single woman is asked her marital status at a party or gathering of friends. How sad, that this cultural discourse puts pressure on women to find a mate whether we are ready for it or not. At the fear of being thought of as damaged, unwanted, broken, pitied by our friends and family who remind us that our biological clocks are ticking away louder and louder as our time rapidly runs out, we seek validation and acceptance from society by desperately latching on to a partner, any partner that will give us the time of day or throw sweet words in our direction (even if the dude is scum of the earth, lives in his parent’s basement, rides the bus, collects unemployment and is devoid of passion and ambition for life-and by default- devoid of passion and ambition for YOU!); Still, we want to grip tightly to the idea of a mate, that we chose to see the potential of who they can be, instead of who they actually are; because it is engraved in us from a young age, that having someone (anyone!) is better than being alone! So we conform to whomever is around, make excuses for all the red flags and waste years of our lives trying to prove to ourselves we can make things work; and when they don’t, we go into fits of despair only to roller-coaster right back into the next relationship in no time, after all, can’t waste any time, the clock is TICK TICK TICK ticking; and the imaginary vortex of unattainable happiness is hastily closing, so you better HURRY! This is pathetic and this is why so many relationships crumble; and ironically, hurrying will only slow you down from finding true and lasting happiness.
We live in a society in which we are encouraged to make decisions out of fear, shame; we possess a mentality of lack vs. a mentality of boundless abundance, desire, passion, centered-ness. Never mind what we want, need, who we are, our deeper purpose on the planet; all of this becomes irrelevant and we can only focus on the loud dominant voices in our head that scream at us “if you don’t do this, you won’t have that!” or “if you are too picky about a mate, you’ll end up alone” or “if you are single at thirty, you’ll never have a family and you will die an old maid shriveled and dry and your body will be found in an empty house abandoned and rotting alone ALONE ALONE!!!!” so we base most of our decisions out of the fear of what is the worst that could happen and limit ourselves to the endless possibilities of what we can have in this world and the kind of family, friends, love we can create and purpose we can fulfill.
So many people jump from one relationship to another like a bee might go from flower to flower pollinating with its seed. We are not bees and despite popular discourse, our purpose on the planet is NOT to reproduce and spread our seed (that is the EGO), not the REAL self, our purpose is to grow, to learn, to leave a legacy that can take on many shapes and forms. The world is overpopulated as it is; our duty is not to skip carelessly from one partner to the next. When we do this, we sacrifice our opportunity to grow, to learn to become wiser individuals. The fear of sleeping alone, the fear of a life without meaning, a life without love, is so paralyzing, that we grapple like hooks to whomever happens to come along next, and fool ourselves into believing that it is love, because ignorance is comfortable and a lot safer than taking the time to know oneself and navigate through uncertainty and a world of unknowns.
I can say confidently and honestly that i am truly and HAPPILY SINGLE! I love that i get to wake up at sunrise, take my dogs on long walks, go work out with friends in Griffith Park, followed by a ninety minute yoga class where i center myself for the rest of the day; then i go to my favorite coffee shop or library and spend time focusing on my writing, my spiritual and creative development; In the evenings I go to dinner with friends, go salsa dancing, take a drawing class, watch a Godard film (by myself!), go to a gallery opening, chose to go on a date if i want to (but without feeling it is an obligation). These are all things i love that nourish the core of me. I do want to fall in love and find a partner one day. I think love is the most beautiful thing on the planet and i am super excited that I will meet someone who will complement and support me on my journey; but the catch-22, is that unless we take the time to date ourselves and to enjoy being single, then we won’t know who we are, what we like; the kind of life we want to live; and until this is clear to us, we will continue to attract the wrong kind of partner who doesn’t know how to love us/complement/support us, because we don’t know ourselves well enough to begin with!
So why is it so difficult for society to accept that it is necessary to have moments of solitude, of retreat; it doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself in your room and wear a chastity belt until you finish mourning the past; but it also doesn’t mean you should fuck everything that moves and get hitched to the first asshole that calls you baby. The answer lies somewhere in between, in a place of genuine grit, gut and honesty with yourself. So take the time to know yourself, to explore who you are, what you have learned, what things inspire you, what you want/don’t want from a partner so that when someone comes along who is aligned and on a similar journey as yourself, you will be able to realize this and take a leap into the potential of real love.
Why is it so hard for people in our lives to understand this? After a breakup, it takes me on average anywhere from a year to a year and a half before I meet someone i am ready to make some sort of commitment to, during this time my friends and family incessantly try to set me up on blind dates and forced encounters with other single people in their lives; as if my choice to be single wasn’t a choice at all, but rather a sad tragedy I had fallen a helpless victim to and needed help getting out of. Leave me alone people! If i wanted to be in a relationship i would be in one! I don’t, so I am not!
What is it about “single” women that makes us appear weak and vulnerable to the world? Sad and desperate helpless souls are we? Are our friends so happy in their relationships with their significant others, that they must, by any means impose that happiness upon us too? Are they intimidated and secretly jealous of our freedom? Are they so tied down by their own misery that by setting us up with strangers, they live vicariously through the adventures they try to force upon us? Are we single women, a threat or a constant reminder of one of humanity’s greatest fears: being alone? I am not sure! But what i am sure of, is that i am positively happily single and i want to honor and savor this time i get to spend with myself!