DISCLAIMER: I am sharing this at the expense of being thought of as a total bitch. And that is fine. My job as an artist is to be a mirror that reflects humanity on itself. I expose my own shame, insecurities, fears, etc. to the world as i expose the things i see and experience around me. It just so happens i dated a psychotic self-righteous weirdo who did not understand the word “NO” and i plan to shamelessly expose/exploit our story below
I’ve recently gotten over my cougar phase. Yes i admit it, against my better judgement and my friends razzing me for robbing the cradle, i dated a boy 7-8 years my junior.
Me = 30, traveling through the void of disillusionment, restructuring my life, a clear understanding of myself and not totally happy with that understanding, but accepting of it.
He = 22 (or 23), excited to have landed a “woman”, naive and full of vitality (and youthful arrogance), dressed like Justin Bieber but tried to “act” mature. Talked the way he probably thought a “man” should talk but didn’t own a wallet and couldn’t afford to pay for dinner.
Me = an old dog with old habits, appreciative of my close friends (most of which have been in my life since HE was 12 and pre-pubescent), appreciative of my personal time alone, my dancing, my yoga, hiking, my dogs, focused on my studies. Anyone coming into my life has to compliment it, and have their shit together.
He = an annoying crying baby, clingy and needy. Everything was so heavy. Imagine a High School romance. Needing constant validation and reassurance from me. Obsessive over my time. If he could keep me up till 3am talking my ear off about our “relationship” he would, even if i had to be up early the next morning- what a drag!
Me = needing space and feeling overwhelmed, and wanting to get rid of this leech (and fast).
He = crowding my space and feeling neglected, but refusing to let me go.
So ME began to quickly get anoyed and begin to avoid HE!
Anyway, ME broke up with HE 4 times over the course of 4 months and he wouldn’t take NO for an answer. It got to the point where he became psychotic/delusional. Though i would say NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU, PLEASE HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT AND LEAVE ME ALONE. He would not hear what was being said, and instead would hear whatever he wanted to hear and then respond with something totally random and out of left field. Below is an exchange of text messages between myself and the psychotic kid that just wouldn’t let go.
ME = Blue
HE = White
Uhm…..ok…hold on a second…..WTF….a threesome….when i just told you i don’t want to be with you? where the FUCK did that come from?
Uhhhm….actually are you listening to anything i am saying? It is personal you dumbass! That’s great that you think my honesty is “endearing” i just hope you are actually reading what I am actually writing and not some bogus made-up bullshit you make up in your head.
Hold up! WTFFFFF! You are Fu*king INSANE! I just clearly stated that i didn’t want to have anything to do with you and you want to “smack” me around and “make me cum”? IS IT ME? AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?
Wait? Are we still having the same conversation here? Is HE even listening to ME? What do you want to “give” to me? Right now you are giving me a headache.
No Shit Ya missed me! I scheduled my grocery visit accordingly so i wouldnt run into your crazy ass! And…uhhmmm….how do i explain this to you?
if someone tells you to leave them alone, they don’t want to be with you, and then you text them and they do not respond over and over again….
NO they don’t want to be held,
NO they don’t “care” to see you sometime, and
YES, it is better if you stop talking- mothafucka did you not get the memo? I did STOP talking to you! That’s what NOT responding means!
OK, Little boy, if you ask me at 6:02pm if i “still care to see you” and i don’t respond, and then you ask me at 7:40pm if i would “like to spend the night with you” that is called NO SELF RESPECT. Leave me ALONE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
WAIT A MINUTE….Wait….WHAT?!?! Why are you trying to STILL have a physical realtionship with someone who is clearly avoiding you and NOT responding to your messages!
Do you mean last week on planet earth? I have been ignoring you for long enough now. Most normal dudes would have gotten the picture by now. You are delisional ! Seriously? Stop Texting me. Stop Calling me. Stop emailing me. Stop calling my roommate. Stop adding my friends on Facebook, bookmarking my “Regular” places on Yelp, stay out of my life and leave me ALONE!
After i sent this i realized it was his controlling/manipulative way to find out if i had moved on. I should have just lied and said YES. I am too fu*king honest. Dammit!
The above was sent to me after i had posted something personal on Facebook about feeling stressed about school right around Finals. He immediately had his 2 cents to offer and when i deleted it and blocked him from commenting on my posts he was offended.
Seriously? A hug? Get the FUCK out of my life you crazy fucking weirdo! Give yourself a hug! Give your mother a hug! Give your therapist a hug? Oh you don’t have a therapist? Well you should get one! But please leave me alone.
may you become the dust that paves the way for new creative work to emerge.
You have made a bigger impact in my life than you could have ever imagined. You have mentored me from afar, inspired me, challenged me and introduced me to Directors and films. Thank you. Every Time i go to the movies, i will give thanks for you.
2013 has dawned upon us, the world did not end as the Mayans had predicted, and 2012 dissipated in seconds, gone with the quickness of a shooting star, as fast as the makings of a bad decision, an impulse buy or a pitiful orgasm.
Buzzed on free-flowing booze, drunk off the love of loved ones around us, bellies popped and filled past capacity with treats we gluttonously permitted ourselves to over-indulge in, as a new year entered and we discovered nothing but a small number had changed on the calendar (and maybe too on the scale). Ultimately, we were still the same person on that first peek of January, having to live with ourselves day in and day out. Committed to our passions, seduced by our desire, brought down by our insecurities and fears, brought up by friends, furry ones and loved ones, and hopefully committed to growing with our years.
Making plans to alter and change ourselves, “better” ourselves through heavy resolutions on health and diets, exercise classes, zumba workouts we want to take on ferociously, the books we want to read and book clubs we want to join, money and financial goals, budgeting and self imposed restrictions, new underwear for a “new” year, committing to calling our friends and family more than we do; in short- the works.
One of the most important things for me is Creativity and being inspired by the world/city we live in; which is why i have carefully concocted a list of some of the coolest and most creative artistic and cinematic events happening in Los Angeles in the month of January. I begin the creative journey on Jan 9th because let’s face it, we need at least a week to settle into the new year, and two days to recover from the anxiety of ALL the things we wish we would have done by this year that we haven’t. Allow that feeling of failure to pass, allow the anxiety to subside, and begin to explore, continue to grow, experience, and create! Let’s GO! Time keeps moving and so should we!
JANUARY 2013….WHAT’S LEFT OF IT!
Wed, Jan 9, 7:30pm: Amour as part of the Foreign Film Oscar Nominations Series @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero
Wed, Jan 9, 10pm: Doug Benson’s Movie Interruptions presents: Taken 2 at Cinefamily (Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/
Fri, Jan 11, 7:30pm: The Intouchables as part of the Foreign Film Oscar Nominations @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero
Fri, Jan 11, 7:30pm: Orson Welles double-feature: Citizen Kane and The Magnificent Ambersons @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian
Fri, Jan 11, Midnight: Zombie @ The Cinefamily/Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/
Sat, Jan 12 4pm: Gallery Reception and Art walk @ Bergamot Station, Santa Monica (Free). http://www.bergamotstation.com/
Sat, Jan 12, 7pm-11pm: Second Saturdays @ Ave. 50 Studio Art Gallery in Highland Park. http://www.avenue50studio.com/
Sat, Jan 12, 7:30pm: Fellini’s 8 ½ at the Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian
Sat, Jan 12 (and every Sat of the year), Midnight: The Rocky Horror Picture Show @ The Nuart Theater. http://www.landmarktheatres.com/Market/LosAngeles/NuartTheatre.htm
Sun, Jan 13 6am-3pm: Rose Bowl Flea Market (Second Sunday of every month), Rose Bowl parking lot, Pasadena. http://rgcshows.com/RoseBowl.aspx
Wed, Jan 16, 7:30pm: Mobile Home as part of the Foreign Film Oscar Nomination Series followed by Belgian Beer tasting in the Lobby @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero
Thurs, Jan 17, 7:30pm: The Great Dictator @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian
Fri, Jan 18, 7:30pm: Deer Hunter @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian
Fri, Jan 18, Midnight: The Never Ending Story @ Cinefamily (Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/
Sat, Jan 19, 7:30pm: Double Feature: Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanors followed by Tim Burton’s Ed Wood @ The Aero Theater, Santa Monica. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_aero
Sat, Jan 16, 7:30pm: Xanadu as part of the Dance Movie Series @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian
Sun, Jan 17, 7:30pm: Double Feature: Kurosawa’s Dreams followed by Charlie Kaufman’s Synechtoche NY @ The Egyptian Theater, Hollywood. http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/calendar_egyptian
Sat, Jan 19, 7:30pm: Mamma Roma screening @ LACMA as part of Bodies, Shadows and Stories: Cinema after Caravaggio Series. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings
Sun, Jan 20, 1pm: Last Temptation of Christ (Scorcese) @ LACMA as part of Bodies, Shadows and Stories: Cinema after Caravaggio Series. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings
Tues, Jan 22, 1pm: Trouble in Paradise @ LACMA as part of their Tuesday Matinees
Fri, Jan 25, 7:30pm: Film Screening of “No” with Gael Garcia Bernal @ LACMA. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings
Sat, Jan 26, 7pm: LACMA Talk: Diane Keaton and D.J. Waldie discuss House (collaboration on Architecture and Interior Design). http://www.lacma.org/event/house-diane-keaton-and-d-j-waldie
Mon, Jan 28, 7:30pm: Doug Bemson’s Movie Interruptions presents Breaking Dawn @ The Cinefamily (Silent Movie Theater). http://www.cinefamily.org/
Tues, Jan 29, 1pm: Hitchcock’s Marnie @ LACMA as part of their Tuesday Matinees. http://www.lacma.org/programs/film/series-and-special-screenings
Thurs, Jan 31-Feb 3, 8:30pm (except Sun Feb 3 @ 3pm): Mark Bamuthi Joseph/The Living Word Project: red, black & GREEN: a blues @ The Redcat Theater. http://www.redcat.org/event/marc-bamuthi-joseph-the-living-word-project
ON GOING….BETTER GO BEFORE IT GOES AWAY FOREVER!
Stanley Kubrick Special Exhibit @ LACMA (through June 30th, 2013)
Destroy the Picture: Painting the Void @ MOCA (through Jan 14th, 2013)
CREEPING ON THE HORIZON!
Kubrick Film Series @ LACMA all month of Feb, 2013
The Wooster Company @ Redcat Feb 21-24, 2013
Luis Buñuel’s Tristana @ The Nuart Theater Feb 22 (One Week Run)
Fela opens @ The Ahmanson Theater April 25, 2013
Brewery Art Walk @ The Brewery: April 27, 28, 2013
who were we to know
what we were to become?
enter the nursery
of magical wonder
of optimistic prologues
whimsical masks of playful beasts
trunks of toys and a most promising tomorrow
catch your breath
skipping rope and hopscotch
skip homework dinner and showers
as if today were your last chance to relish
in the innocence of your infancy
as if you knew that tomorrow the heavy mask of
adulthood would be permanently fixed upon your face
and any remnant of virtuosity
would be boxed and donated to good will
play to play
play to death
dance gracefully over the geography
of your youth
as it travels hastily through time
trying to grapple it
only brings bitterness fermented with age
not too far away from today
fresh budding wildflowers
lost to constructed interiors
forests of potential
turned to polished hardwood floors,
mysterious caves, now caving spaces
where you tame your beast to best survive
inside these walls of constructed identity
antiquated molding and sentimental wallpaper
now scraped bare to expose the bones
of the woman
you never knew
you would become
“Consider even the most insignificant, seemingly simple
Action with distrust. Ask yourself whether it is necessary
Especially if it is usual.
I ask you expressly to discover
That what happens all the time is not natural.
For to say that something is natural
In such times of bloody confusion
Of ordained disorder, of systematic arbitrariness
Of inhuman humanity is to
Regard it as unchangeable.”
Excerpt from Bertolt Brecht’sThe Exception and the Rule.
On a high horse and carriage, she sits contemplating
Fantasies dwelling in the thickness of perversion
Disgusted by her own desires
Seduced by wild and unexplored demons
She begs to be deprecated, belittled
Berated by strangers living
Addiction to addiction to numbness to meaningless
To loveless, faceless connections without responsibility
Satisfying the immediate impulse of the beast
Her acquiescence makes them hard
Boredom of the bourgeoisie
Puts a price tag on her bush
Now reeking of hot afternoon sex in Paris
No Bois de Boulogne
No spiritual encounters in a forest of lust
Consummating her hunger
Hidden under the shade of lush green
Body open like wildflowers
Scent oozing like perfume exerted from the ecstasies of her breath
Where she lays free, dirty, raw, consumed into the all-embracing landscape.
She is on the third floor of a dilapidated building
Behind an alley, narrow walkways and broken windows,
Creaking floorboards, unwashed thinning sheets
Soaked in brief ejaculations.
She throws herself to the wolves
And at nights, returns to fancy furniture
A bed that smells of rose petals,
And into the arms of her husband
Beauty of the Brothel
Sacrificial Virgin hides behind Ingenue fearful eyes
Skin soft like a lamb’s wool coating
Searching for some thing, some meaning
A ceremonial act of expression.
only to discover that existence is trivial
but desire is instantaneous.
She is fresh meat to an underworld of despair
And the hungry animals will eat her alive.